~Diary~

8-18-22

Hi everyone it's been a while. I feel like I should start dating these to get a more cohesive feeling to the diary. I should also update my own damn website more often than I do. Oh but how we rarely do the things we set out to... Not much new in my life either which would actually make for a decent excuse at not being on here often, but alas my days aren't filled with much other than trying to pass this last damn class to graduate once and for all, applying to internships and jobs, making music, writing, reading, and just generally having a constant on going anxiety attack over my lack of prospects and general "what-to-do-about-the-rest-of-my-life-ness" When I can actually stand back and say hey, I'm 23 for gods sakes. Im young, have a college degree (almost) and am generally nice to be around and smart enough I guess. I'm okay. Things are going okay. And then the thought of "Dear God, if I died tomorrow the newspaper would just print my name, age, and the word 'unemployed' possibly ending it with a 'spare a thought for her grieving family' and if I wasn't cold and dead already that'd be enough to kill me." And when I'm not doing any of that I'm making music. Really. I mean... not particularly good music... but music nonetheless and that's something ain't it? For some people like my parents, it isn't, which is why I am currently applying to every fast food joint in the tri-state area. For Gods sake I'll even take retail. Hell I'll work overtime, people! But this is not what you guys want to hear about. I am a young woman in the greatest city in the world damnit. Just the other day I thought I saw a celebrity at a dunkin donuts. You heard me alright. I mean I can't be 100% sure or anything... but yeah let's go with it. Let it ride man. I do crazy shit all the time. Just last week I got sexually harassed outside a taco place in the financial district. I didn't well up with courage or anything, tell the guy to go fuck himself and walk away laughing, but hey it happened didn't it!

Look, there isn't any particular point I'm driving at, or anything interesting happening, so I might as well shut it. I guess I just wanted to say I've learned a few truths about myself lately. That's what your twenties are all about right? Well I've learned to just take it. That's right. I've learned that sometimes you just have to eat it and stand there and there's no being brave because being brave isn't real. You play a scenario out in your head a million times over, roll it around, upside down, you know what you would do and you have your lines memorized in case it actually does happen in real life. And then it does, and what do you do but just stand there stock still, looking at the ground. You think to yourself "if the evil were evil enough..." as if you have an untapped well of courage within you. And then it happens, and you don't got shit in courage. Maybe if in regular life as there is in the military you could get a silver star or a purple heart, for all the little courageous every day acts. Maybe then... I think of all the westerns I love, and the brave courageous cowboys, ranchers, whatever they are, that die for something, are willing to die to protect something. And I think of myself standing there still, not even having the bravery to look up. Maybe one day I'll be courageous like all those cowboys I used to wish I could be like when I was little, and nuzzled into my fathers side as we watched old westerns. I think of bravery. I think of things that would be inevitably changed if there was bravery. I think of the crowd standing before Pontius Pilate as he presents Jesus Christ, the accused, and I think of how Pilate not only betrayed himself, but hundreds in the crowd did betray their selves. That is the ultimate tragedy, not that one man has the courage to be evil but that so many have not the courage to be good.

I feel so stupid and paranoid lately. For no good reason either. Lately it's started seeping into my dreams more and more too and even if I slept ten hours it would feel like nothing. I'm so unfulfilled but I don't know in what way. I just get this feeling sometimes that something is passing me by completely, and even though I want to stop it I can't. Like physically can't. I have a hard time going out too. I'm getting to be more and more agoraphobic. I find easy excuses to not go out, like that I can just do my errands another day, or I need to make music, or write more, read more, or do anything more. I've been saying it for months but I do need to see someone about all this. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't think it's ever been this bad before, to the point that it prevents me from doing daily things. I'm scared of everything. I'm waiting for something and I don't know what. I feel blind. Like I'm in an empty pitch black room searching for the light switch but I'll never find it. Is this how every 23 year old feels? Because I'm almost at my wits end and I don't know how anyone deals with this stuff. It takes so much to keep me going sometimes I think I should just stop. I wish I could stop. Like, get put in a coma that lasts for a few months. I went home recently and it was the most tremendous relief and I couldn't even enjoy it. I'm supposed to be having a good time now and I'm not. I can't enjoy much anymore. Mostly I hole up and make music, sounds, stories. Anything to escape really. But I wish it wasn't for escape, I wish it was for the pure enjoyment of the thing.

Well everyone it's been a while... Mostly I've been busy with school and finding interships and writing and making music and attempting to get said music on here... I've also recently become a first time aunt! Honestly hasn't made too much of an impact on me because I'm 3,000 miles from this kid, but I guess the miracle of childbirth is pretty cool and all. I recently added an Arturia Drumbrute to my arsenal and am thinking about bringing back my guitar from home among a few other things... Been very inspired by Puce Mary's music recently, and had the pleasure of seeing her label mates and my dear friends Iceage at the Bowery back in March. Never really got the reputation they have in the press for being cold or off putting because they are some very sweet guys. Might have to figure out how to get some mp3's of theirs on this winamp thing once I get that going. Besides all the fun stuff in my life I turn 23 soon, which is a bit of reckoning for me. I always imagined when I was young that I'd die at 23. No idea why, and it wasn't even suicidal ideation I had, just a very strong, inexplicable feeling. If I do live to see 24, I've been thinking of applying to some electro-acoustic masters programs because I have some compositions of mine I'm very fond of, if this whole writing thing turns out to be a total flop.