An Open Letter to Conor Parnell of Chicago, IL

Conor, I'm sure I'm dead and buried in the heavens of your mind, I've known as much for some time now. I don't really know how to start this without it being somewhat awkward, so I'll try to be brief and clear. I tried to ignore it for some time, but now it's become painfully obvious that I gave you more affection than you could return, and which I thought you recognized, but never acknowledged. Your continuing ignorance of me is something I can't let go easily, so I need to be selfish and make you listen to me.

Being in a new relationship myself has made me reevaluate things, and this is one of them. I won't pretend that I know what your heart is capable of, it can cling faithfully to what it wants, but it can't return an attachment such as mine deserves, and which I have won from a man more generous than you. I think it was myself I deluded. Had you been worthy of the affection I gave you, you would've returned it. You are not worthy of the love which I have devoted to you. I had a feeling all along that the prize I had set my life on was not worth winning, bartering away all of my affection and love against your feeble remnant of love. I won't bargain anymore. You couldn't reach the height of the attachment I bore you, and which a more generous soul than yours would have been proud to share. For a moment there I thought this was my fault, our friendship failing, but thinking back on what you've told me of your previous relationships I think I had it all wrong. I had suspected you were emotionally unavailable and unable to reciprocate affection when it comes from someone you don't truly care about, and now I see I'm right. I also can't help but look back at our friendship and wonder what the point of keeping me around was, if not for the possibility of a relationship, until something more convenient fell into your lap. What personal wound did our relationship address?

Or the way you entertained my idea of a band only when it benefitted you and as soon as it didn't you dropped something I care deeply about, and which I put time, money, and effort into. If there is even the slightest chance of a friendship beyond this, I don't want it. It's hard to say that, because I do still like you for what you are, Conor, despite the way you treat me, but I can only handle so much.

I have watched your struggle, Conor, let it end, we're both weary of it. I don't want you to apologize to me, because you will only be doing it to make yourself feel better, once again you've had your will and are left to enjoy as best you might. I was truly naive in thinking this would last, that you were someone I could depend upon, I'll admit I give my love readily to a lot of people. Please don’t think I’m making a big deal out of this, or taking it too far. For me this is a big deal, I don’t have many friends, and the ones I do have I value and cherish deeply. I usually find men I thought were my friends actually think of me as disposable. This isn't friendship - this is pure humiliation. I don’t have much to look forward to anymore, but for a while being friends with you actually made me feel good and right about things. I can’t build something from the rubble anymore, I can’t keep going, I can’t I can’t I can’t.

A few years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. The last line of the note she left is something I've never forgotten, and I think, finally, I understand what she meant. In part it read: "So I am truly sorry if you think I'm being selfish when I have been selfless my entire life and it has left me with nothing." Although this entire ordeal has left me with nothing I thank god for that. I thank god I have none of you in me. When you hate yourself and everyone else, you will spend your life like a greedy, badly behaved child. Love will not save you because you don't know how to love. You can't show empathy for anyone because you have no empathy for yourself.

You look for yourself in every woman you meet, and once you’ve found it you take it because you want to like yourself. But when you truly hate yourself you can only stand it for so long. You become a two-headed monster of shame, hideous overgrown babies who are hurtful and clumsy with each other and everyone around them, and who never grow up.